yea

well

it's nice to know i'm back at square one where ppl don't check my site anymore. so yea...going to ohio for my cousin's wedding this weekend. i'm leaving the school tomorrow, relaxing/doing my online class stuff, dr's appointment wednesday, and then we're heading out that afternoon. we're driving btw. like 16 hours so yea it'll be fun. that's about all that's new. other than being sick. so yea. that's it.

Lauren

while i was laying in bed, i felt like death. then i started thinking about death. thinking about the pills i could take to release the pain and agony of life. it's back ladies and gentlemen. my 'bad' thoughts. thats why i was texting. i was trying to text ppl to get it out of my mind and it only did for maybe 2 minutes. so thast was a fail. i know why they are coming back, just idk. the other day i asked a friend how many hydros it would be to overdose. i was curious. they're just sitting in my closet not being used. then i was thinking about how long it would take someone to find me. what would happen? it's funny when you tell someone you are upset and they don't say much. its like they dont care. 'course they don't know what you're really thinking anyway. i didn't want to burden anyone and i didn't want to talk to one gurl here that has hurt herself this year because i didn't want to make her upset as well.

just the thought of slicing my skin, like i have done before, sounds very tempting right now. this is why i'm writing. to try to get it out so i dont harm myself. but it's haunting me right now. the release of stress would be amazing. no, not with cigarettes, but with blood (i havent had a cig since monday btw and havent really wanted one lately, plus i dont have the money to get some). plus i feel so ugly sometimes. idk why anyone would like me, i dont take the effort to look good or anything so i look like crap all the time. i need to lose weight. maybe it will make me feel prettier. yea i know, dramatic but whatev. blah blah. 

i'm so stressed about not letting my mom down. the other day my friend and i had finished watching ratatouille and mom was telling me that tarleton was having a tour in november and that unt was having a tour in october (when we have a football game) and one in april and i said ok. then she was like, where are you going to go after this year? i said idk. i just started bawling with my friend in there. i just kept thinking about how i would disappoint my mom. i know she loves me but it just stresses me out. i know i would hurt her if i started picking up cutting or worse. i'm afraid i have disappointed her already by being lesbian. i'm her only child and i can't provide her with a grandchild naturally with a man. i want some kids and someone to love in the future, but not really with a man.

idk what i'm going to do about my life. its easy just to give it up. yea yea i know, permanent solution to a temporary problem. it's so hard going through this again on my own. i know i could get through it, but do i want to? i know this is bad, but red river wasn't all that bad in 8th grade. it was a release from everyone and everything. granted i didnt like taking the pills and i didnt want to pee in a cup so i held it for 2 days but it was relaxing overall. i wonder if anyone would visit me anyway.

anyways yes, it's a long blog. no one will prolly read this anyway.


"you are one of. . . mistakes, you crying tragic waste of skin."-a song to say goodbye-Placebo

"i wish my life was this song cause songs they never die. i could write for years and years, never have to cry. i'd show you how i feel without saying a word. . . the broken glass, your moistened skin was everything, was everything. and your broken voice was quivering. . . scream at me, make it the best i ever had. . . heartbeat slowing. . . i can't tell how this last song ends." -the last song ever, Secondhand Serenade

i posted this on myspace thursday. it's been so hard to appreciate just the little things in life lately.

college

leaving for college tomorrow (sunday)! going to start packing today! yes i know i'm such a procrastinator. and i'm disappointed that i didnt get any comments on my last post. maybe i should just stop posting. later

Lauren

love

So I just got finished watching Prayers for Bobby and The Truth About Jane. They were very uplifting, well Prayers for Bobby was very sad and I did cry. It made me realize a lot of things. I knew I was ‘different’ when I was in jr high, probably even when I was a kid. I had only girl barbies as a kid, that should tell you something.  I never really have been into guys. I do have a dream to walk down the aisle one day. And it complicates having children. But there are other ways to do that. There’s adoption, there’s donors, and some states are allowing gay marriage now. I am proud to say I am lesbian. Granted it’s not accepted in the job world much but that’s ok. I am happy with who I am and if people cant accept it, then they aren’t meant to be in my life.

Watching these movies has woken me up to how people judge other people. How much other people treat gays/lesbians like shit and either try to push their religion on them, make fun of them, or some other way to ridicule them. Prayers for Bobby made me wonder how many people actually commit suicide because of the pressures of the world and how they treat people for being gay. It’s especially hard when you’re younger, like my age or younger. It’s depressing how people are so rejected in our society. Here’s a fact I saw when I researched a little bit- “It has been conservatively estimated the 1,500 Gay and Lesbian youth commit suicide every year.” Could you only imagine how they felt before they did that? Confusion, anger, depression, basically every feeling possible. To think how many teens were hurt and saw that as the only way out. I wish there would be more ways for us to be accepted. For those teens to die without help, without anyone there to support them, is just sad. Could you only imagine how disappointing it would be for a child to have parents that don’t support them, kick them out, try to change them? I am grateful to have a mother who accepts me for who I am. Just a few hours ago she was asking me to choose between a peace sign, a rainbow, a hot chick, or a blue rose and didn’t tell me what it was for or why I was choosing it. I’m happy that she accepts me for who I am and loves me. Every night she texts me ‘night love u.’ I know it’s cheesy for any kid to admit that to anybody, but she loves me and I’m not embarrassed. I used to be, and yea I still have attitudes every now and again and get pissy at her for stuff she didn’t cause and I just need to be mad at someone, but she knows I love her. Or at least I hope she does. This has strengthened our relationship, if anything. Between that and when I started college, we have bonded more.

Prayers for Bobby moved me in a way that brought me to tears. It’s a really good movie, or at least to me it is. I wish there could be more people to speak out and help people. It would be awesome to save a life by talking to them and helping them. I wonder if there are jobs for counselors that help gay people…possibly something to consider. This quote from the movie made me cry. It is a direct quote from Mary Griffith. “To all the Bobbys and Janes out there, I say these words to you as I would my own precious children. Please don't give up hope on life, or yourselves. You're very special to me, and I'm working very hard to make this life a better and safer place for you to live in. Promise me you'll keep trying. Bobby gave up on love, I hope you won't. You're always in my thoughts.”

♥ Lauren ♥